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Jeff, the God of Biscuits

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Hark . . . [Apr. 24th, 2003|05:26 pm]
Jeff, the God of Biscuits

asqmh
[music |The Flaming Lips - Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots (Japanese Version)]

A voice as of one crying in the wilderness . . .

A voice, like the sound of many waters . . .

It's either the voice of the prophets of Jeff or it's those blasted self-flushing toilets. In fact, those very toilets are what has provoked Jeff to rise again, we think. (After a deity has been inactive for some time, he obviously need a 'powder.' The automatic toilets scared the bejeezus outta him - if, indeed, such a thing is possible.)

Jeff does not like the toilets.

There is something fundamentally wrong with your plumbing deciding when you are, in fact, done. What's next? The door flings open and you are bodily hurled from the stall? It could happen.

Our lord Jeff remembers before all this indoor plumbing - back when plumbing was exactly the way a god intended it, namely Jeff; just you, your business and. . .well, nevermind. Jeff has several odd ideas we'll not go into just now.

Let's talk about the sinks. I am instructed to speak against them as well. Not only do they gush forth at the slightest shadow, but they are situated in such a way as to completely drench a body in a sort of demented bathroom baptism. The Holy Order of John, I suppose.

As with most of his opinions, Jeff proposes no solutions. But he wasn't going to let me sleep until I'd made his concerns public, so here we are.

I'm only glad he doesn't read this journal . . .

Q., erstwhile prophet of Jeff
(Pays better than McDonald's)
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Mutant Cheese [Jan. 28th, 2003|12:13 pm]
Jeff, the God of Biscuits

asqmh
[music |When the World Ends - Dave Matthews Band]

New Zealand, home of hobbits, Maori and now "transgenic cows," is adding a new attraction to the ever burgeoning tourist-y perks of the Oceanic paradise.

Mutant Cheese.

We have never trusted New Zealand. After all, they don't just speak English like everyone else in the would [should] -- they have this "secret language" they use for all sorts of political and subversive activities . . . such as transgendering cows.

This perversion cannot be allowed to continue! We, the concerned citizens of the world must raise our voices in outrage against this abomination . . .

What?

They're not?

Oh. We're incredibly sorry. We mean, of course, making cows transgenetic . . .not gendered. We knew that all along. We were just checking to make sure you'd read the link that all of our very serious articles contain to prove that we're not fabricating things completely out of thin air. We only use the thickest air, developed by many high level politicians in Washington. Which is not particular close to New Zealand. Where scientists are raising transgenetic cows. For strategic cheese purposes.

Really.

Oh sure. . . the scientists have encased this study in a lot of jargony terminology such as "beta-caseins" and "kappa-caseins," which means (according to our secret decoder rings) "cheese that will act like frat boys and will probably set fire to your rug."

"When projected on to the production scale of the dairy industry, the increases observed in our study represent large changes that would translate into substantial economic gains," the scientists say. Which means that they fully intend to sell tickets.



Q., Prophet of Jeff.
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The state of the Union: [Jan. 28th, 2003|10:37 am]
Jeff, the God of Biscuits

asqmh
It sucks.

Thank you,

Q., Prophet of Jeff
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Update: [Jan. 10th, 2003|01:03 am]
Jeff, the God of Biscuits

asqmh
[music |Wish I'd Seen It - Vocal Union]

The temple of Jeff announced today that it would not, in fact, be furthering negotiations with the Reform branch of Judaism. "They were simply asking too much," explains noted Prophet of Jeff, Q.

According to experts, religions are valued much the same way as antiques: the older they are, the more they cost. "We felt that we should be given a discount," Q said, "because while we'll admit that Judaism itself is old, the Reform branch is hardly in 'mint condition.' It barely resembles the original at all!" When pressed, the Temple would only say that when it had had the Reform branch appraised, the asking price and the estimated value were very different. Some unnamed appraisers have reportedly gone so far as to label the branch "fradulent; more of a bad copy."

Rabbi Marsha Kreshman believes this assessment is unfair. "We're not basing the value so much on age, honestly," she explains, "It's more of an ideal. The Reform movement is 'tailor made.' And tailored faiths aren't cheap." R. Kreshman compared the movement to a designer jacket, "It fits better. And in the end, you're paying for the name."

Many well respected people have been members of the Jewish faith, many of them without last names: Moses, David, and Solomon to name a few. Even the late Mr. Christ was reported to have had close ties with the movement. In contrast, few if any reputable people are associated with the Temple of Jeff, a situation which some believe could lead to a conflict of interests. "I mean, what does the Temple really believe, anyway?"

Jeff was unavailable for comment.
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Jupiter, Saturn spawn Uranus and Neptune; subsequently kick them out of the house. [Jan. 9th, 2003|12:28 pm]
Jeff, the God of Biscuits

asqmh
[mood |accomplishedaccomplished]

Shaking their heads, Jupiter and Saturn say they only hope the children will settle down and start their own orbits eventually.

According to caseworkers, as far as they can tell, "the ejected planets went into highly chaotic orbits for a few hundred thousand years after which they settled down and gradually migrated to their present, nearly circular orbits."

While it is likely that Uranus and Neptune will ultimately be okay, locals have begun to worry about the ethical implications of kicking newly spawned planets out of a safe, parental orbit and into an unstable solar system to fend for themselves.

Jupiter could not be reached for questioning at the time of writing and Saturn was reluctant to cooperate, saying only "Life's tough, y'know? Collect some rings or moons or something and get on with it."

Scientists are concerned that such unstable beginnings could lead for an unsettling future for the solar system. "God help us when they go through puberty!"
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Apologies [Jan. 7th, 2003|07:16 pm]
Jeff, the God of Biscuits

asqmh
We at the temple forgot the inform the public of probably the most significant holiday: Macworld SF. We probably forgot to tell you because we probably assumed you'd know. I mean, do we really have to tell you about Christmas every time it rolls around? And I'll bet you all even forgot that yesterday was Heilige Drei! Sheesh.

Anyhow. So yes, today was the holiest day, the day of SteveNote 2003 -- his mercurialness spoke unto us and . . . well, all of his words are quite in accordance with the words of Jeff, I'm sure.

For your absentmindedness, you must perform the following acts of contrition:
2 hail mary's, 4 hello dolly's, buy a powerbook (12" or 17", your choice), and . . . a bloody mary or two to celebrate.

Happy Holiday!

Q.,
prophet of Jeff,
cult of Mac.
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(no subject) [Jan. 6th, 2003|06:38 pm]
Jeff, the God of Biscuits

asqmh
The really nifty thing about being employed as a prosti--uh, prophet. . . I said prophet, right? I meant prophet. Anyway, being employed by a lesser deity who happens to be mostly dead means one very important things:

HOLIDAYS.

It just so happens that this past weekend was a festival we like to call "Feast of A Holiday I Just Now Made Up." On this holiday, I am ceremonially required to leave town without notice, have an excellent interview, wind up in a small town with air so dense plant life grows in it, and eat copious amounts of cheesecake while being amused at tinytown names such as "Waterproof" (which I am not making up). As you can imagine, this is exhausting and it's a good thing it doesn't always come every year (though sometimes it occurs several times each year). Anyhow, as you can imagine, I'm slightly tired and so, prophecy being the tiring business it is, you can understand the apparent lack of revelations lately. It's not that Jeff has nothing to say, it's just that I've told him to bugger off till I feel like it. So. . .sorry if you waiting on your daily oracle to plan your life or anything. But relax. You can breathe now. Unless you're a libra.

Q. , erstwhile prophet of Jeff
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Rantings of a Persecuted Prophet [Jan. 2nd, 2003|11:02 pm]
Jeff, the God of Biscuits

hillarygayle
[mood |sicksick]
[music |Chamber Choir singing the Praises of Jeff (otherwise known as: The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins)]

Oh, the trials one bears as a prophet of Jeff. Sister Q has recently invited me to join the ranks of those who proclaim Jeff throughout the land (or at least, throughout Livejournal). And behold, just as I take up my biscuit and follow, evil did smite me (or at least, the flu did smite me).

For those who may be confused, I will reassure you. Jeff is heartily against illness, disease, murder, war, and other things un-cute, un-nice, and generally-unassociated-with-biscuit type things. It's just that Jeff...well, Jeff is not as accomplished at the Healing Arts as certain other gods. Most notable in this category is YHWH, as represented by his son Jesus of Nazareth. He once...oh, I digress. At any rate, suffice it to say that Jeff's attempts at healing often go somewhat awry, sometimes resulting in unexpected and unnatural phenomenon. Seen that video of Leonard Nimoy singing "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins"? Yep.

So, we prophets of Jeff must bear up under the pressures as best we can. We invest in Dayquil, Nyquil, and items such as make us happy. In my case, Nyquil makes me entirely too happy by itself, thank you very much. I do, however, appreciate donations; this prophet's own mother came by with a hand made blanket to ward off the chills. Ah, the unlooked for kindnesses Jeff showers upon us in our time of hardship.
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Temple News [Jan. 2nd, 2003|12:47 pm]
Jeff, the God of Biscuits

asqmh
[music |Southern Cross - Jimmy Buffett]

We really shouldn't be telling you this. I mean, since it's not official or anything. . .and more of a bid. . .

But screw it; here's goes.

The Temple of Jeff has officially put in a bid for the Episcopal church (Anglican USA). Seriously. We've done this primarily for 2 reasons: 1) we don't really think the Episcopalians will notice because, in the words of Eddie Izzard , "It's more of a hobby, really . . ." So we think that if they think anything about it at all, they're likely to think it's groovy. I mean, who doesn't wanna be affiliated with the Temple? So we're buying the Anglicans/Episcopalians/church of England. Also, we have noticed that all of our favorite comedians were raised in the c of E or a derivative thereof, so there must be something in the holy water -- or they're crack-lined wafers, which would also explain it.

We put in a bid for an undisclosed amount and so far, negotiations are going well. We promise not to change anything and they promise to append our name to theirs. The Episcopal Anglican Temple of Jeff of England, inc. ltd. If all goes well, we might throw in a bid for the Reform Jews. . .
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Hey, CloneAid! [Jan. 1st, 2003|10:09 pm]
Jeff, the God of Biscuits

asqmh
[music |Celtic Bagpipes - The Battle o - NoArtist]

Yeah, it was only a matter of time before someone would mention this.
Apparently, the Raelians claim to have cloned a human. And people believe them. And others are nervous.

Well duh! These people (Raelians) are morons. They claim that the hebrew word Elohim means "those who came from the skies". All right. Bad Hebrew aside, this is ridiculous. "Those who came from teh skies" are the paratroopers we at the temple will be sending to land on their little compound. Let's see who feels like a supreme being then!

Personally, we here at the temple are pissed. In the Australian sense of the word. As in we've been drinking since we heard.
This is an actual excerpt from a letter from a Raelian intellectual:
The meaning of ELOHIM in ancient Hebrew is: "Those who came from the skies". This was mention by YHWH Elohim him self to Rael when he meet with him...

Whoo! Why didn't someone tell us they'd actually met with the guy? You guessed it -- YHWH (who is a human and has lived for 25000 years and is president of the Planet Eloha -- which is where the "Elohim" thing apparently all begins to make sense) meets with Rael.
I know what you're asking - - how does one get an interview with a supreme being? Well, we're not going to tell you. I mean, just think what would happen if everyone started summoning supreme beings at the drop of a hat to explain ancient mysteries and debunk world faiths! I mean, really, it'd only be a matter of time before someone summoned our lord Jeff and YHWH into the same room while some cheap, polyester-tuxedoed man screamed "Let's get ready to Apocalypse!" It wouldn't be pretty.

Given the Raelian claims, people have asked some big questions such as

*Why haven't the Raelians stopped people from killing each other?
*Why haven't they stopped the senseless killing and growing world terrorism?
*Why have they allowed one race or religion to become dominant over another?
But no one has asked the most serious of questions on the mind of every seeker:
Why do the Raelians allow the continued selling of Circus Peanuts?! It is, to us here at the temple of Jeff, the strongest indication that these are not exactly "supreme" beings we're dealing with here. These are possibly beings who rode the short ship to intergalactic battle, if you catch our collective drift.
So, to recap:
These guys claim that their leader "Rael" (a French guy -- automatically suspect) is in contact with YHWH, a man like any other except that he's 25000 years old (accomplished by cloning and memory transfer) and president of Eloha, a planet of the Elohim. YHWH and Rael converse quite a bit -- Raels teachings are verified by YHWH -- who only Rael sees. . . *ahem*

They're not related to the Mormons, are they?
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